I struggle. I struggle a lot. And I struggle with much.
Am I a good mom? Am I a good wife? Is my house clean enough? Is it organized? Are my kids learning to be messy because of me? Am I feeding my kids and husband the healthiest foods? Am I teaching my kids to feel entitled and irresponsible? Are my kids getting the best education? Should I home school? Should they stay where they are? Is everyone getting enough exercise? AM I??
Am I a good daughter? sister? friend? Do I make an effort to reach out to my friends? Geez, maybe not, and maybe that’s why I never hear from them anymore.
What am I doing with my life that is purposeful? (I don’t have a job that helps the family income, what value am I providing instead?)
Every single day I have thoughts like these. I hate them. I hate feeling like I’m inadequate or not good enough. I want to just enjoy life without these thoughts always in the back of my mind. How can I do that?
I believe that God has a plan for me. I am Ian’s wife. I support, encourage, and love him. I have three kids to love and raise. I am child of God above all, and there is much I can do in that. God’s work can be done everywhere and is endless.
So, why do I struggle? Why do I continue to question my purpose? I don’t really know. I’m not one for resolutions. Instead, I like to set goals and make plans. But I’m stumped on this one. I’m not sure how to give myself the slack I need. I don’t know how to let go of the things that bother me about myself. Maybe admitting these things and being honest about my weaknesses will help me in the year ahead. Maybe I just need to write about these ugly truths. Could that be how I finally end the struggle?
I suppose I’ll find out.