I should be writing words toward my memoir right now. Instead, I need to admit something to myself. Ever since this whole thing started with Ian getting sick, I have not stopped to analyze how it affects ME. I didn’t think it was okay to think about me. After all, I’m not the one this happened to. Ian should be the one who can grieve. Not me. This didn’t happen to me.
So, I feel is guilt. I feel guilty because he went through it instead of me. Guilty because he is the one without fingers and feet. He is the one who can’t get out of bed without his fake legs every morning. He is the one who has to figure out how to do things in a new way. Not me.
But, let me tell you a little secret. IAN IS JUST FINE. He is great, actually. He does not struggle. He is now so used to this new life of his it’s almost like breathing. IAN DOESN’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT ANYMORE.
Then there’s me. I’m too scared to focus on myself and my feelings because it might mean I’m being selfish. I have not grieved the loss of my husband’s fingers and feet because it didn’t happen to me. Why should I be sad about it? HE should be sad about it. THIS ISN’T ABOUT ME. Well, last night I realized that maybe it is. This is about me, too. Maybe THAT’S what I’m supposed to write about.
When I first started writing the book I focused on the events of what happened. I wanted to share details of what happened on what day, who was there, what medications were given, etc. I stated facts. Last night’s realization, however, means I have to START ALL OVER.
This book should be about how this experience has CHANGED ME. I need to write about the many lessons God has taught me. People need to know what an awful selfish person I was before all this. Other moms might relate to how controlling and critical I used to be. And lastly, should I write about the fear that consumed my life? The fear and anxiety of what would happen to my husband or kids without me? Would anyone relate to my panic attacks and episodes of depression?
Please tell me this. WOULD YOU READ IT? WOULD YOU READ IT IF IT WERE ABOUT ME AND NOT IAN?